One of our readers asked, “What if I don’t love God as the First Commandment says I should?”
“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment.”
— Matthew 22:36–38
That’s a lot to live up to for any person.
When I read those words, I automatically think about all my failings and all the times God isn’t at the top of my list. And, in my current case, I’m exploring what deconstruction really feels like—and how God fits into my life when organized religion has left me feeling like I’ve been thrown in the trash.
But maybe there’s an important distinction between not loving God and struggling with how to love God.
Jesus doesn’t say our relationship with God will always be uncomplicated. He doesn’t say we’ll always feel close to God. Scripture itself is filled with people who question God, become angry with God, cry out because they cannot find God, and wonder whether God is listening.
And yet they keep talking to Him.
Maybe that matters.
I think the best any of us can do as human beings is continue making room for God, even when we’re not entirely sure what that relationship looks like. That might mean reading Scripture together, praying together, serving someone who needs us, appreciating the people around us, or caring for the families entrusted to us.
And sometimes it might simply mean being honest enough to say:
“God, I’m not sure how I feel about You right now, but I’m still here.”
Perhaps that’s a kind of love too.
Deconstruction doesn’t necessarily have to mean abandoning God. Sometimes it means examining everything we’ve been taught about Him and trying to separate God from the human institutions that claimed to speak for Him.
So if you’re worried that you don’t love God enough, I wouldn’t start by measuring how much love you feel.
Start with the fact that you’re asking the question.
Something in you still cares about the answer.
Keep fighting the good fight. Keep asking questions. Keep making room for God where you can.
Jesus can read your heart.